you probably love that I wrote this all about you
thank you for the years, I wish we could have had more
you probably love that I wrote this all about you
thank you for the years, I wish we could have had more
When his name is spoken
there’s this moment of clear
then the empty is broken
I remember he’s not here
There’s this moment of clear
when my eyes first feel the light
I remember he’s not here
lie unsleeping at night
When my eyes first feel the light
a new reality unfurls
lie unsleeping at night
around me memories swirl
A new reality unfurls
griefs sleeping beast is awoken
around me memories swirl
when his name is spoken.
-----------------------
You entered rooms like a comet to Earth,
left a trail of dazzle behind you as you walked.
Around you, we’d bask in the shine,
greedy heliotropes stealing your sun.
And who could be mad at
the stars for dying before we see them
instead, we’d feel lucky
just to have seen them at all.
-----------------------
Summer, but the grass is wet
I lie back on a clover pillow
droplets cling to sun-bleached hairs
bleeds into my clothes
until I’m pinned in place
I’m as greedy as the earth beneath me
absorbing more than I can handle
I spring up like I’m flowing
fling the water back into the air
the grass reclaims what I took
I wait for the sun to shrivel me up again
-----------------------
It was simple when
your voice was just a few
button presses away
when our paths didn’t cross
the satellites connected us
Your name won’t pop up
in my new messages
I keep your contact
safe beside our friends
you know you always have a home
worlds away
And down the line
fifteen seconds of video
so I’ll never forget
the way words sounded in your mouth.
-----------------------
I start fights with shadows
of moments we can’t replicate
screaming at someone who can never reply
King of debates, you won this one
concluded with the conviction
I so admired in you
You left us questions
stacked like books on a shelf
they’ll never find their answers
If one were to topple over,
send the others somersaulting to the floor
we might find logic amongst the broken spines.
-----------------------
A group of stars
race to the earth
streams of laughter
like a roman candle
in the sky behind them
The brightest one
breaks from the group
lights up the planet beneath,
the others will follow
in light years to come
When it gets lonely down there
the constellations are a reminder
they’ll burn until their turn to fall
-----------------------
I remember you in China
greater than the wall that lined the border
The Terracotta Army risen from rubble
soldiers in unison buried under time
I remember you in Italy
eyes of light reflected on Sorrento water
saw the heat-petrified bodies of Pompeii
at least they faced the end together
I remember you in my living room
propped against the arm of the sofa
now I pause in the doorway
sit in your spot to be close again.
-----------------------
It’s insulting for me to cry
about the things I used to
everything should be insignificant
now that you’re gone
All my tears should be for you
laughter should’ve muted that day
what could ever be that funny again?
I still feel the slow bloom of peace
when I watch red skies tuck the sun into bed
Clouds, white or storm,
stay on their path across our sky
perhaps one day there’ll be no guilt
that everything carries on.
-----------------------
The first chime of summer rain bouncing off the window pane pulls me from thought. I watch the rivulets on the glass. Two fat drops race to hit the bottom. They meander then plop, absorbed in the puddle below.
Not much of a summer, I think, before I can stop myself. The response like a reflex, I don’t mean it. At least this rain is honest. Sunshine is cheap. As if the light can send streaks over my eyes to block out the strange dark fog that lingers.
I open the window to be engulfed by the scent of rain against the dry pavement. It spins me like a vortex to a place I’ve not been in a long time. The tinny sound of children laughing. Running with blazers too big, bodies too small. Puddles filling school shoes, they’ll squelch throughout last lessons.
Like summer rain, the relief from the smothering heat is only short lived. As each drip grows farther apart, I find myself wanting to stay in the downpour.
-----------------------
The Park saw it all
grass trodden by the same feet,
the footprints getting bigger
as time trickled by
The Cathedral witnessed unholy things
we sent sin into the Hallowed grounds,
drunken laughter and tears
echoed around the lake at night
The Roman ruins stood through the years
a backdrop for our celebrations
crumbled remains most fitting
for the last time we were there
We gathered the plastic cups,
stuffed them into binbags,
we said our goodbyes
left nothing behind
indents on the grass.
-----------------------
Tears glow from the laptop screen
fairy lights across my cheeks
four AM in my hometown bed
in the city I pretend you still live.
Night air suffocating like the flames
that would surround you only hours later
the crackles like static in my dreams
every night since you left.
The curtains blew open in a
windless night and for a breath
I almost reply with your name,
but as the air leaves the room
the words slide back down my throat.
-----------------------
Hold your breath when you enter the tunnel
don’t let it out until you see the daylight
what’s a couple minutes without air?
count the lights on the curved roof,
watch them blur into one trail above
your lungs are growing impatient,
held back from what comes naturally
urgency ascends up through your chest
tickles at your throat, willing the muscles to release
you’re not through yet, hold it for seconds more
defeated, you drop the breath from your mouth
the tunnel doesn’t end
-----------------------
Happy Birthday
Three people posted on your Facebook wall.
Do they know you’ll never read them?
Or was it written in hope that you have
Wi-Fi wherever you are now?
No embarrassing pictures,
no thankyous to send
again, I’m reminded
I won’t see your hair grey.
Should I have a drink for you?
Or will the alcohol snatch me down
further into the bottomless sadness
where I had to make my new home
under the surface.
So, how’s your first birthday without us?
no more wrinkles on your face
I hope they play your favourite song.
-----------------------
Are there still things to bring out
the groove in your cheek or those
creases that spread from
your eyes to your ears
Is there anyone to feel that
strange fizz in their chest
when they make you laugh
proud to have coaxed the sound up your throat
They told me to make sure
I had someone with me when they called
but all I could think was
why weren’t we with you?
-----------------------
On a rooftop I’ve never seen
surrounded by faces I conjured
the sky circles through hues like a party light
sun trampolines off of the windows
I shield my face from the beams
dodge them as if they’re lasers
they follow my path to the edge
I stop on the border between roof and air,
my toes lined up with the brick
I step onto a passing cloud
its white grip tickles my ankles
I watch through eyelids
my heart water vapour in my chest
eyes open, and I see him
Like a mark on a white shirt
he’s the strangest thing in this place
he smiles, a tear drips from my cheek
dissolves the cloud beneath my feet
I hurtle to the ground, a comet
-----------------------
There’s two marks in my diary
both with your name
the one that fell into conversation
like any other word
But now that sole syllable
staggers out of my mouth
with the infinite weight
of all left unfinished
22 years and 2 months apart
now the first mark mocks the date
there’s no celebrating your birth
when you chose the opposite
And like a marker through
every next day to come
you never got to see
this year’s calendar.
-----------------------
I’m learning another language for you
one where your name can’t be written
so I can go one day without seeing it
and maybe then this headache that I’ve had
might disappear somewhere in the characters
I try to immerse myself in 2D worlds
one where things that should not fly can,
but even between rendered trees you are the wind
snapping the leaves from their spindled arms
falling before autumn can even arrive
Like a bruise you spread a darkness across everything
as if languages could keep you out of my head
as if you cannot crack through fantasy dimensions
I’ll create the sounds just to say your name again.
-----------------------
I think I found a god
with gel-spiked hair
and a crater on his cheek
that deepened when he smiled
He slummed it with mere mortals
danced through us like rushing water
swept us into his stream
only to deposit us in a field in August heat
His believers stood empty,
for us one last divine test
he scattered himself before us
into everything we see.
-----------------------
The sauna heat of British summertime
wiped steam across the pint glasses
condensation dribbled down our fingers
sticky from the sugar-thick drink
On the precipice of growing up
still using passports for ID
we drank because we were allowed,
felt older than our eighteen years
We laughed the way people do
when they know things are coming to an end
but think they have the promise of returning.
-----------------------
Tell me it’s a tragic ending
I’ll put the book down and find comfort
in the pages that came before
Show me it’s a sketch
I’ll find an eraser that leaves no trace
of the pencil lines I rub away
It’s an ongoing series
words still fumbling together
one less character on the pages
It’s permanent ink
I rip up the paper
but in the pieces I throw like confetti
the marks remain.
-----------------------
Now I’m the only one
that will see humour in the alcohol content
of the herbal remedy I sometimes
take to slow my breaths
My sides are unzipping at the irony
that even if I drank the whole bottle now
my chest wouldn’t let the air out
Will you laugh along if I launched everything
into this colossal tear in the air
that grows and engulfs and takes and burns
Maybe I’ll stand in the windstorm
so I can kid myself that the
whistle rush past my ears is your voice.
-----------------------
I would step through the door
kiss you on the cheek
that strange closeness
real adults are okay with
And find joy in the things
that used to shudder us with shame
those flat jokes
only parents seem to laugh at
Seeing you would be
stepping off a plane after a trip
I could see volcanoes and waterfalls
but you would be where I belong
If we weren’t so young
I might’ve told you that I loved you
you would’ve known how I meant it
I retracted the words
I thought there was time for that.
-----------------------
September breathes out
scatters leaves like pills from a bottle
dressed up in the colours of sunsets
to hide that they’re dead
Autumn-stripped branches
exposes between the gaps
no coat could protect me
from the winds that cut through
Endings choke my lungs
my goodbyes like barbs in my throat
I say them, but they leave holes
from my chest to my tongue
-----------------------
It’s heavy now, it won’t always be
there’ll be laughter without shame
I won’t be angry at sun beams
I’ll hang up our photos again
There’ll be laughter without shame
I’ll celebrate our shared years
I’ll hang up our photos again
there’ll be nights without tears
I’ll celebrate our shared years
but sometimes you might not cross my mind
there’ll be nights without tears
I’ll realise that it’s fine
Sometimes you might not cross my mind
still, some days it won’t be easy
I’ll realise that it’s fine
it’s heavy now, it won’t always be.